The concept of a western urinal is good.Provided you dont happen to be anywhere near to a indian wedding and morbidity has taken toll of you to such an extent that you have decided to wear something resembling a Indian Kurta.For such matters western urinals and indian weddings are a disaster in the offing.
Imagine you are the urinal trying to do what the gods have ordained for you at this importune moment.The bladders are loaded to the point of detonation with a very short fuse.The concept of automatic disharge with your pants on has been obliterated the day you passed the potty sesssions back in infancy.Decency says you have to do it the naked primal way with due adjustments to your hang.And you hit the first roadblock.
Ground check to see whether the person beside is more interested in his life or is looking around.Then you proceed to pick the kurta to an extent where anndiems cannot discharge a heady and smelly patch on it,all the time looking funny like a kangaroo with an up turned pouch.The next logical steps would be to untie the umbilical cords of your pyjama.For some hellish reason you wish you are a sailor adept at knots.Also you wish you hadnt tied that knot looking at that gorgeous picture of whoever adorns the dark walls of your sanctum.In the mean while you are enlightened on the joys of life , about karma and crap ie basically how it feels to be happy.
With the success of all your endevours you loosen the knot.Now with a careful estimation lower you pyjama so as to avoid butt exposure to the nosy bastard who came behind you at this very moment.The levels of estimation is the one thing one feels that beats the heady astrophysics.And then the karma , the action that liberates the chained and maimed soul from the manifestaion of lucifer himself.
That done and thank heavens for that the same reverse engineering works wonders.Think of the lass of your sanctum,mess up with the knot and close the exposed parts of the bodice.Run out of the purgatory and sincerely hope you never wear an Indian Formal to Indian Wedding with an western urinal.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Mix And Mash Hinglish rediscovered
We Indians take a lot of pride in our grammatical approach to English. So much so that we would readily abandon the crudest nuances of what would seem comprehensible and use tedium as an alternate of literacy. The lessons of dictum later, let’s get down to the assimilation of vernaculars. We do have a version of English called “Hinglish”. However we do forget that India speaks a million languages for it’s oh so modest population of a billion hungry people.
The other day I was off to the only temple I go to. Something about the atmosphere appeals to me. There is a weird custom there. Every visitor is welcomed into the temple by being hit in the head with two canes by scantily clad Brahmins. And if you are unfortunate enough to understand their lingo then you will also notice a perverted view to the world of religion. The language is unnervingly akin to the one used by the slum dwelling Indian counterparts. One would expect the pillars of religion to be a little bit; civilized should I say! Their religious semantics apart, their usage of language was quite a revelation for me.
On the occasion I was sporting a goatee, which my friends had assured me; looked prosaically draconian. However I was convinced that the original without the patchwork was no better and hence the abominable styling. The Brahmin in the meantime quipped “Jagannath ki chadi, I like your dadhee”.
For those familiar with the English, Hindi and Oriya ; you should have no trouble deciphering the quip. Loosely translated it was “The cane of Jagannath, I like your beard”. Now that would be a veritable nightmare in case you looked for a critical appreciation of the same. It rhymed however. No doubt the intent of humour was to loosen my wallet a wee bit and the niggardly one that I am, I wished him well. The thing that caught my acoustically trained ear lobe was the strange palette on offer. India it seems has learnt to grow itself a language that seems strangely scavengic (coined one there !) ! We have developed a sense of language like sponges. Absorbing and evolving. After all religion and its mascot the relevant deity are on sale to the highest bidder. And it makes sense that the bidder would definitely not be speaking the vernacular.
However in a few cases we do use the language of the world in its entirety. On this trip to Mumbai, as I and my friend were trying to find our way we came across a food joint. As usual it sold Indian and Chinese and fast food. We were more interested in finding a decent chai shop when I happened to glance at what was written underneath the menu.
“Entry from backside only”!